The Worst Thing About Negative Body Image
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008Due to my history of morbid obesity, and recovery from morbid obesity, I have a good deal of negative body image issues. I do not find it easy to see myself as attractive, or even “easy on the eyes.” In unguarded moments I tend to regard myself as rather ugly. It does not help that, having lost over 200 pounds, I have some excess flesh that hangs in of ways from my frame. Some days are better than others. Some days I can be more accepting of how I look, but my default state is that I am physically unattractive.
But, the above is not the worst of it. There is a deeper, darker aspect to negative body image that I did not understand until very recently.
A few days ago I was walking from my living room, into the bedroom. My wife’s vanity faces the doorway I was using. It’s a beautiful vintage piece with a 3/4 mirror in center, and two half mirrors on hinges to either side. On the night in question I was going into the room fresh from my nightly shower, and was naked. Most days I don’t give the image in the mirror much of a glance, but this night it caught my eye. The thought that flashed through my mind was, “How could anyone find that attractive?”
That is the worst part of negative body image. Not finding myself to be aesthetically unpleasing, but questioning the judgment of others. Something inside tells me that there is something wrong with another human being when they act as if, or say that they, find my body attractive. I think that something must be either wrong with them, or that they are lieing.
This is a terrible wedge that works its way into my relationships. It makes it difficult, on a deep level, to authentically relate to others, especially in potentially romantic, or physical ways.
I do not know how to approach rectifying this situation, but having the presence of those doubts projected outwards on others is a step in the right direction. Now I know, consciously, that this thought structure is in place. The most obvious way to deal with it would be to remove my negative body image completely. But, that is a hell of a lot more easily said than done, as long years of experience has shown me. I think that instead, I need to work and accepting the words and deeds of others more. I pray for the willingness to believe that the reactions of others are authentic.
One of the most long lasting scars from my youth about body image was an incident with a neighborhood girl. I had long had a crush on her, and everyone knew it. Especially her host of guy friends. One day she came up to me and said, “I like you, Travis. I think you’re cute, you know, like a hippo.” I remember the moment with crystal clarity. I remember the fall of her features as she saw hoe my expression melted from smile to numb and deep hurt. I recall hearing the snickers from the gaggle of boys across the street. Later I figured that they must have put her up to it. In the moment she saw how hurt I was and tried to say something soothing, but I don’t recall what she said. My world had gone numb. Everything was a kind of dull roar. I have nearly drowned several times in my life, and interestingly the roar in my ears that day had the same quality of the roar you hear when drowning. I must have stopped breathing. She wandered off and I went home in shock.
That moment has never left me. I forgive her for what she said. She was a child, and being pressured from her peers, and like all children afflicted with stupidity and cruelty. I own my reaction and know that it is I who have carried it to today. I know it was just a single moment in time, but it colors what I hear from others when they intimate, or outright say, that they find me attractive. I am still waiting for the joke to be reveled, for the hammer to drop.
At least the snarling beast is out in the open.